i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
she told me i tasted like america
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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