I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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