I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
