Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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