life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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