If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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