party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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