I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
