How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
