you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
