I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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