i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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