dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Boobs speak an international language.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
