She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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