Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
