There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
