Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
