then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
We had to coat check the pizza.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
