I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
