I'm going to rape someone's good day.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
