the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
