she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Randomize
