Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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