Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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