I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize