so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
