from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
