This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
