i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
