bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
