I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
The feeling are messing with the penis
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
