At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
