Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
foreskin is a definite game changer
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize