i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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