Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
