I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
