Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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