oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
