I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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