My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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