saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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