If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
