Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
