When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
