In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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