she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Randomize
