I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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