it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
