I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize