I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
dude. I can hear the air.
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