God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Randomize