He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
