If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize