I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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