Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
