if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
