Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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