I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
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