Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
