You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
