Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
