Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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