"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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