I want to walk on stilts...naked
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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