I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
we should paint friendship bongs
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I did not marry a roomba.
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