don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
