So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
