is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
