All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
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