some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
