i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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