I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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