And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
