The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Randomize
