wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
