i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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